Friday, July 29, 2011

I read Luke 8 today. The entire chapter spoke directly to me. For instance, the parable of the farmer casting seeds on the path, rocks, and good soil spoke to my having fallen on hard, stony soil; it is only by the grace of God that my roots weakly stretched out and found the nearby rich farm dirt before I withered and died.

Then, there was Luke 8:18 - Consider carefully how you hear. Those who have will be given more... That is so true of my students. Those who already have whatever it is that permits them to hear and understand are given more, while those who are in the dark only fall into deeper darkness.

Jesus calms the storm: The apostles were terrified at the storm, but Jesus slept. They finally woke him up and begged him to save them...which he did. He could have prevented the storm from ever arising, but he didn't. The storm and their ultimate rescue was a faith-building event. Perhaps God lets storms arise in our life so that our faith can be built. That is not quite right. It did help the apostles eventually be completely unafraid. Then again, most of them were martyred, willingly martyred. That takes some thinking about. They became completely different people. How different they were at the end that at the beginning.

The demon-possessed man in the Gerasenes: The cured demoniac wanted to follow Jesus, but Jesus told him no. The man had to return to his own people and tell them how he was saved. Jesus said the same thing to me. I would have loved to have a church ministry, but I wasn't called to it. If anything, church people have historically cold-shouldered me. My job is outside church buildings, ministering there. That makes me sad.

Finally, in another part of the Gospels to which I accidentally flipped - I did not notice the exact location - Peter denies Jesus. Do I do that? I work in public education. How many times have I soft-pedaled my beliefs? I have a statue of Jesus on my office window given to me by a Palestinian Muslim; that is about the only way I testify. I hope that I act so wonderfully, everyone will know without my saying anything. Hmmmmm.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Is food a good drug? You bet. I just found out I have to write a 15 page paper. I got so nervous, I started eating. HOWEVER, what I ate was lots and lots of salad and yogurt. Panic!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

One more thing before I leave for CR Step Study, that is, one more thing about "idiots": As a teacher, I think students who sign up for classes and then don't study and don't come to class are idiots (what Jesus says not to call people).

I teach community college. I am well aware that adult students have lots of family responsibilities and sometimes even work responsibilities. Still, I dislike people whose priorities are not learning. I would never have done that; however, as a grad student, my work responsibilities (and CR duties) do get in the way of my studying, so I should empathize.

I would have so much more energy if I would just relax and let people be the way they are.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My life is so much better than when I first arrived at CR. I am so much less haunted, less despairing. However, I still have faults.

There is someone at work I judge unmercifully. He used to work for Cisco, the giant computer networking company; this guy can barely use a computer, and is lost at the photocopier. I have asked my superior if she really checked his credentials, did she check to make sure he worked where he says he worked. She says she did.

This man's level of ignorance is overwhelming. How can you have the background he says he has and be such an idiot.

I was listening to The Living Bible translation of the Sermon on the Mount this morning. Jesus says calling the guy an idiot will make me subject to judgment. DON'T CALL PEOPLE IDIOTS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE IDIOTS!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I sent a post today talking about how I have been not posting, about how little time there is. I emailed it from my iPhone. FAIL. It never even went through.

I am so overwhelmed with work, so many demands on my time. How do I find time to post?

I talked with Deanna Friday (7/22) about an insight I got while handing out flyers at the CR service: serving makes you feel like you belong. What if I had lived my life to serve all my life? Might I have felt like I belong in the human race? As I think about this question more dispassionately, I remember that the level of rejection I endured as a child made serving anyone almost impossible; I was too busy trying to survive each day. Finally I just withdrew into myself.

Locked up in myself is where I am now. Trying to get my "stuff" out of me is very, very difficult. I am inside looking out knowing what people can do to you.

Testing again.

Thursday, 7/21/11. Post 1

9:30 AM: I have just finished re-reading the first chapter of the Gospel of John. What immediately "shown forth" to me was John 1:5 - The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it.

For what it's worth, that statement is consistent with science. The molecules of EVERYTHING vibrate(except, maybe, black holes). The energy involved in that vibration expresses itself as light. On some level, everything that exists glows, even in the dark. Soldiers wear night goggles in order to see the minute amounts of light released and/or reflected in the darkness.

Perhaps we all need night goggles to help our faith.

Wednesday, 7/20/11

I feel so pressured all the time, it is very difficult to keep a journal. I've been thinking about this entry all day, but I haven't been able to sit down and type. Now, it's 9:25 pm and I should be grading papers; instead, I am writing this assignment for CR (a journal entry a day), and I've just returned from church.

All day, I have been hungry to devour God's Word, the Bible. I am hungry, famished, starving. I tuned into LifeChurch.tv on the internet and got a teaching that made me even more hungry...in a good way. Understand, until today, I have never really wanted to read the Bible. I've read it, most of it, and in the last year I've been pretty good at reading some of the Bible everyday. But I don't LIKE it. Today, all that changed. I have wanted to do nothing other than read the Bible. This is such a radical change in my, I quite honestly don't know what to think!

As for examination of conscience, I don't think I've done anything wrong today, although yesterday I blew up at God for a trivial reason and said the forbidden word: GD. I hate myself for doing that. Today, however, there have been no such explosions...thank God.

Now, I must grade papers.