Gerasene Demoniac, 8/15/2011

I was listening again to the story of Jesus' encounter with the Gerasene Demoniac. I have always thought it so sad that Jesus sent him home to tell everyone what happened to him. It was good to do that, of course, but the poor guy wanted to follow Jesus, and Jesus would not let him. Apparently he amazed all the people who had known him, though.

I am like that poor demoniac. I was so crazy when I was younger; not the kind of person you would want to bring home to mother. Now, Jesus has cleaned me up and told me to go out into the world and testify where I live...out in the world. I have always wanted to be a "church lady", to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life...but that is not my fate. I have tried church ministry, little things like teaching Sunday school. I always fail; church ministry doesn't feel right; it's not for me.

No, I am in exile out here doing what Jesus wants me to do. Will someone please tell me how to move those seeds that landed on the road, on rocky soil, and amidst the thorns over to the good soil, because that seems to be my call in life.

Bible and Music, 8/15/2011

Who needs drugs? I just discovered the biggest HIGH ever! Read Matthew 25 then played Chris Tomlin's "God of This City" with "I Will Follow" for dessert. That trinity of media stuff embodies everything I want in life.

"Wait" - a gift from my friend, Kathy.

Email sent to me by my friend Kathy:

this is a video that I receive "a word everyday" from John Maxwell, I thought this was interesting after we talked so much tonight about speaking words at the right time, keep our mouths shut, etc.
Hope that you enjoy this, I think that all you'll have to do is click on the link below.

http://johnmaxwellteam.com/wait

Kathy

Friday, July 29, 2011

I read Luke 8 today. The entire chapter spoke directly to me. For instance, the parable of the farmer casting seeds on the path, rocks, and good soil spoke to my having fallen on hard, stony soil; it is only by the grace of God that my roots weakly stretched out and found the nearby rich farm dirt before I withered and died.

Then, there was Luke 8:18 - Consider carefully how you hear. Those who have will be given more... That is so true of my students. Those who already have whatever it is that permits them to hear and understand are given more, while those who are in the dark only fall into deeper darkness.

Jesus calms the storm: The apostles were terrified at the storm, but Jesus slept. They finally woke him up and begged him to save them...which he did. He could have prevented the storm from ever arising, but he didn't. The storm and their ultimate rescue was a faith-building event. Perhaps God lets storms arise in our life so that our faith can be built. That is not quite right. It did help the apostles eventually be completely unafraid. Then again, most of them were martyred, willingly martyred. That takes some thinking about. They became completely different people. How different they were at the end that at the beginning.

The demon-possessed man in the Gerasenes: The cured demoniac wanted to follow Jesus, but Jesus told him no. The man had to return to his own people and tell them how he was saved. Jesus said the same thing to me. I would have loved to have a church ministry, but I wasn't called to it. If anything, church people have historically cold-shouldered me. My job is outside church buildings, ministering there. That makes me sad.

Finally, in another part of the Gospels to which I accidentally flipped - I did not notice the exact location - Peter denies Jesus. Do I do that? I work in public education. How many times have I soft-pedaled my beliefs? I have a statue of Jesus on my office window given to me by a Palestinian Muslim; that is about the only way I testify. I hope that I act so wonderfully, everyone will know without my saying anything. Hmmmmm.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

One more thing before I leave for CR Step Study, that is, one more thing about "idiots": As a teacher, I think students who sign up for classes and then don't study and don't come to class are idiots (what Jesus says not to call people).

I teach community college. I am well aware that adult students have lots of family responsibilities and sometimes even work responsibilities. Still, I dislike people whose priorities are not learning. I would never have done that; however, as a grad student, my work responsibilities (and CR duties) do get in the way of my studying, so I should empathize.

I would have so much more energy if I would just relax and let people be the way they are.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My life is so much better than when I first arrived at CR. I am so much less haunted, less despairing. However, I still have faults.

There is someone at work I judge unmercifully. He used to work for Cisco, the giant computer networking company; this guy can barely use a computer, and is lost at the photocopier. I have asked my superior if she really checked his credentials, did she check to make sure he worked where he says he worked. She says she did.

This man's level of ignorance is overwhelming. How can you have the background he says he has and be such an idiot.

I was listening to The Living Bible translation of the Sermon on the Mount this morning. Jesus says calling the guy an idiot will make me subject to judgment. DON'T CALL PEOPLE IDIOTS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE IDIOTS!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I sent a post today talking about how I have been not posting, about how little time there is. I emailed it from my iPhone. FAIL. It never even went through.

I am so overwhelmed with work, so many demands on my time. How do I find time to post?

I talked with Deanna Friday (7/22) about an insight I got while handing out flyers at the CR service: serving makes you feel like you belong. What if I had lived my life to serve all my life? Might I have felt like I belong in the human race? As I think about this question more dispassionately, I remember that the level of rejection I endured as a child made serving anyone almost impossible; I was too busy trying to survive each day. Finally I just withdrew into myself.

Locked up in myself is where I am now. Trying to get my "stuff" out of me is very, very difficult. I am inside looking out knowing what people can do to you.

Thursday, 7/21/11. Post 1

9:30 AM: I have just finished re-reading the first chapter of the Gospel of John. What immediately "shown forth" to me was John 1:5 - The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it.

For what it's worth, that statement is consistent with science. The molecules of EVERYTHING vibrate(except, maybe, black holes). The energy involved in that vibration expresses itself as light. On some level, everything that exists glows, even in the dark. Soldiers wear night goggles in order to see the minute amounts of light released and/or reflected in the darkness.

Perhaps we all need night goggles to help our faith.

Wednesday, 7/20/11

I feel so pressured all the time, it is very difficult to keep a journal. I've been thinking about this entry all day, but I haven't been able to sit down and type. Now, it's 9:25 pm and I should be grading papers; instead, I am writing this assignment for CR (a journal entry a day), and I've just returned from church.

All day, I have been hungry to devour God's Word, the Bible. I am hungry, famished, starving. I tuned into LifeChurch.tv on the internet and got a teaching that made me even more hungry...in a good way. Understand, until today, I have never really wanted to read the Bible. I've read it, most of it, and in the last year I've been pretty good at reading some of the Bible everyday. But I don't LIKE it. Today, all that changed. I have wanted to do nothing other than read the Bible. This is such a radical change in my, I quite honestly don't know what to think!

As for examination of conscience, I don't think I've done anything wrong today, although yesterday I blew up at God for a trivial reason and said the forbidden word: GD. I hate myself for doing that. Today, however, there have been no such explosions...thank God.

Now, I must grade papers.

God releases the captive

God released me last night from the grip of my first and biggest stronghold. It took me until this morning to realize it. I was reading the Bible, something totally unrelated, when God ran a movie in my head (something He sometimes does), and I saw clearly how that particular event was not really a super big deal and should never have had the effect on my life it had.

All the very bad things in my life have been the result of that event, and it should never have had that power over me. If my parents and the other adults around me had been a little saner, and maybe if I had been less sensitive, my life would have been so different...

Personal Holiness

I just found out where personal holiness comes from!!!!!!

2 Cor 7:1 says it develops over time when we reverence God.

Reverencing God creates progressively more holiness. Cool!

Hypocrasy

Wow. I did it again. I was telling a friend (again) that I wish Jesus would just tell me A-B-C what to do...and I would do it.

That still, small voice whispered to me in a kindly, not condemning way: Oh, yeah? You won't even read the Bible every day.

Right, so right. It is just not true that I anxiously await the Lord's commands so that I can obey.

I think I will read the Word.

Swimming

I have a problem with procrastinating. I have procrastinated for quite some time in writing this report of a very spiritual experience I had at church while we were doing praise and worship. No one knew; it was totally between me and God.

As we same praise songs, I suddenly became aware that I was swimming in an aquarium. Air bubles were coming out of my nose and rising up all the way to heaven. I knew the bubbles were my prayers, and that I was swimming in the Holy Spirit.

The experience was so cool. The experience has not happened again, but it is really neat to remember. Sometimes, I can put myself in that frame of mind and realise that I am swimming in God every minute. Through Him I live and move and have my being

Yesterday, I could have helped someone in need, but I did not do it. It's not that I refused. I simply didn't think about it until it was too late.

A WIC mom could not pay for all the food in her cart. She was frustrated as she tried to decide, 1 item at a time, what to remove from her cart.

I moved to another aisle in order to get out of the store faster, and it did not occur to me until I was on the way to my car that I could easily have bought the woman's groceries for her and her child.

I got my credit card out of the car and returned to the store, but the woman was no where around. I never saw her leave. She may have been an angel, and I totally failed the test.

God Makes His Saints Face Their Rejectors

I was just reading Acts 7:30-50. What jumped out at me was the story of how Moses was sent back to the very people who rejected him. So was Jesus: He was rejected by almost everyone, yet the Father sent him to his rejectors.

The same thing happened to me. As a kid, I was rejected by all my peers, but the people who treated me the worst, who actively persecuted me, were working-class and under-class Americans. Those are precisely the people I teach at my college, and I have no doubt that God put me in my job.

Isn't that interesting? I am beloved by my students, with very few exceptions. Yet, these are mostly members of the class of people who treated me so badly.

I have marvelled at this before, but today I read Acts and read that God seems to do this on a fairly regular basis: send his followers back to the people who rejected them.

Vines and Branches

Looking back, I should have prayed more while I was in Haiti. "Apart from me you can do nothing." I'm just a branch attached to the vine; how can I do anything if I don't stay attached to the vine?

If I pray ALOT everyday, then I don't have to worry about trying to bear fruit - it will happen automatically.

Not me, but HIM!

How will I remember that in the daily hubbub?

God help me remember that you are the source. Here I go, back to, "When I am weak, I am strong."

Momentous Day

For the last 38 years of my 58-year life, I have hated my mother. I have probably hated her for a longer time than that. She was a promiscuous drunk who destroyed everyone who got close to her: her husbands and her daughter...until I finally let Jesus pick me up.

Today, as I was reading Psalm 119, I remembered (God put into my mind?) a time when my mother really wanted God. She was hungry and she tried to come to the Lord. But she made a wrong turn, and while she remained hungry for God, she never figured out how to get to Him.

My heart softened toward her. I was so hungry for so long, but I did not know how to find Jesus. Then, in a flash, I suddenly realized that my God had let me forgive my mother, the woman I blamed for everything bad that ever happened to me, and even for evil I initiated.

This is the most important day of my life. This is by far the greatest gift our wonderous God has ever given me. I am finally free; truly free; free in Jesus; free in God.

Always procrastinate

I always procrastinate about keeping a Christian blog. I think I am afraid to keep a record of the miraculous.

Scriptures I have come across recently that have spoken to me:
1. Jesus will never let me go. The Father gave me to Jesus, and Jesus will never, never let me go. Thank you, God.
2. I am not from this planet. I am not its child. I am a child of God; I do not belong here. That is why I have always felt like a stranger in a strange land. Duh...I am. Still, it's sad; I am sure Jesus felt that way, too.

Compassion for the Massess

Zech 10:2 says that people are lost sheep with no shepherd because the listen to the voices of their household Gods. Matthew 9:36 says when Jesus looked at the crowds, he saw their depression, dejection, and despair, and that they looked like sheep without a shepherd.

Many of my students are very much like that. They are so filled up with their daily soap operas (some of which are genuinely tragic), they cannot learn what I am trying to teach them. For whatever reason, they don't study...and they cannot learn what I teach -- mathematics -- unless they spend lots of time studying on their own...after I have tried to help them.

I get very irritable with them. I believe they know what they should do but just refuse to do it. My attitude is very counterproductive to teaching and learning success. In fact, that attitude is counterproductive to job longevity.

I pray to God in the name of Jesus to give me Jesus' attitude toward the masses. He felt compassion at how lost and needy they were. Matthew doesn't say he FIXED them all, just that he was moved with compassion.

Jesus, please touch me and fill me up with Jesus' compassion for my students.

Jumping In

I've made a decision to jump into the Kingdom. I've cancelled my cable because TV was too distracting. Now, here I am.